When they say to think positive…

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Sorry for disappearing last week. Physically and mentally I just could not write, so I gave myself a break to not do anything. Did it help you may ask? Honestly, not really. When you are having an anxiety or panic attack, often times it helps more when you keep yourself busy so you do not have time to think about all the ‘what ifs’. I have been trying to wake early, keep myself busy, and go to bed early to maintain a healthy cycle to think positive an act fine. It has been difficult – sometimes it almost feels like as soon as I feel I am a little better something bad is bound to happen to break the foundation I’ve finally set for myself.

They say ‘life is a bitch’ and I cannot agree more.

It is always easier to say ‘stay positive’, ‘everything’s gonna be fine’, ‘there’s worse things out there’…. blah blah blah. Sometimes, I do wonder if that’s why it is always easy for psychiatrist to listen and offer medicine, advise, or whatever. When it’s not happening to you, it is 1000 times easier to offer constructive advise. However, what happens if you are the one going through the trouble and guilt? Would it still be that easy? I guess I will not know because I am not a psychiatrist, but I just cannot help to think if there’s really a lot of benefit to talk your trouble to the psychiatrist? After all, nowadays I’ve seen many cases of people claiming they have issues and get a statement from psychiatrist to prove they are mentally ill to get away with things. (Referencing to some recent and past year events happened in Taiwan)

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I really like this simple reminder I found via Google image – ‘good things take time.’ It is so simple yet so hard to remember. Taking a deep breath, believe, and move on. Right now I feel like I am trapped in guilt and worry about finance… Perhaps there will really be a day I can just put all of these at the back of my head and even have the spirit to give a little smile and said I’ve made it through.

Tackle one thing at a time is quite necessary, yet it is so easy for myself to forget and want to trap myself in the whirlwind of negative-ness. I have taken care of a few days as of now on a Friday, and then I will move on to take care of some more tomorrow. One thing at a time, eventually everything will all resolve in order. Positively, I hope.

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When you are extremely down, it feels like everything is not going right. I am still working on it, but try to always find one thing in the day that makes you smile. Yesterday, I was glad I decided to spend some money to eat well (although it damaged my wallet). Good food made me happy and made me feel like I have the energy to deal with some more of the negative things going on in my life right now. Adding strength and power!

Part of me is pretty annoyed by the fact that here in NC we basically had zero days off (federal holidays) since January while many other states (such as my dear terribly missing California) had maybe 2 days off… I am really in need of a get away to escape somewhere. Part of me want to travel, while the other part of me desire a ton to go home to a place that I am familiar with – no more worrying about no decent Chinese food, out of state struggle, etc.

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It has been an extremely difficult April, perhaps the worst April I have experienced in my life thus far. A trip or a getaway to disappear awhile would be fantastic but reality is not going to allow me to do that when I will need to make up for the money I lost.

Luckily April is almost over. I am really looking forward to start a new and reset the button for May. There should be more to look forward to – and I hope they will all be really nice.

I have officially survived another week of difficulties. How’s your week?

Hope this weekend will remain productive and get the rest I need to fight on x

k. currently struggling but trying to be better small step each day

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