August Realization

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Today is the second day of August. Before I know it, summer is half way over. My summer is almost over. It’s going to be a dramatic August. In many ways I will have to start everything anew – whether I like it or not. Some are positive, some are exciting, but some I’d wish I do not have to deal with it. Perhaps that’s the attitude I have the entire time that makes it even harder now to come to a realisation that clock is ticking and the time is running out.

It is no fun, zero fun to stare at the count down app noticing it’s one day closer to departure.

I think I am losing it.

August isn’t going to be all full of bad things. There’s a family trip to Switzerland that will be very nice. There’s a new challenge coming up that’ll help me on step closer to my dream goal. BUT, there’s one event that’s been troubling so much that I’ve lost interest to think about the other things.

Sometimes you try to persuade yourself everything’s going to be okay. Just believe and things will always work out for the best. This and that. My belief and faith take me far, but this time somehow not really doing much magic. Part of me is nervous about the change, part of me is worried about the future that I could not see, and the other part of me is doubtful about promises because there’s million of examples promises break because of distance, environment, new people, change of attitude, whatever. I have been a victim before, and as much as I wish I could hardcore believe it this time, there’s a shadow and a question mark.

It is very difficult to realise I have less than a week to try to list out all the things I want to complete before departure. The bucket list that has no end but now is forced to end. I am not sure how, and I don’t know how to pick and choose because there’s simply way too many small, casual, normal, or even ‘boring’ things I still would like to do many many more times.

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Independence is not a scary thing. In fact, it is great to be independent. What is scary is the feeling of loneliness at an unfamiliar land where you feel like you are part of it yet most of the time you are really, just an outsider observing from afar.

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It’s been 3 years. 3 years of moving and changing.

I am not sure why within such a short period of time there’s constant challenges to face and conquer. A year of stability, another year of challenge… When things finally seem to be going the right track, new stuff comes up. If only it’s possible to just stay constant, breathe in and breathe out, enjoy the moment of everlastingness.

Perhaps escapism is what I am seeking, because the heart is exhausted.

California will always be a good idea to me. A. will always be a good idea to me.
I don’t think I am asking for too much, but I am tired.

Hopefully, before I know it, I will be numb to the new changes.

August is going to be a very tough month for me, and I am worried.
k. (wish me luck)

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